A Place in the Unit
So….I was excited to come in last night to find I was assigned the IMU!! I normally am a floor jockey. Which I don’t mind floor work, I enjoy the pace and the interaction with different people. I really wanted to work in the units when I started like so many of our new RTs are getting to do.
I was happy for the change and challenge it presents. I’m glad that it wasn’t crazy, and I enjoyed it. I know sometimes it is much more complicated than it was last night, but I’m just getting my feet wet, so this is a good start!
I just thought I’d share 
I’ve got Cabin Fever, and I’m armed with a keyboard…
I’m missing my Zumba class because of snow. This is rather upsetting since I only get to go every other week because of work and I was really looking forward to it. On the bright side I’m down 14 lbs, and I’ve gotten to go through a lot of stuff to get rid of. But being stuck up here has given me a little time to think about some things.
How many times am I going to accept an apology from some one before I say “nope, you’ve used/lied to/hurt/ignored me for the last time”. I tend to hold on to every thread of friendship and watch it fray, knowing the whole time that there is no safety net for myself. People don’t tend to treat me the way I treat them. This is very disheartening.
I don’t cry a lot. I can be emotional, but I don’t cry much anymore. I cried last week. I hurt like I have never before in my life hurt, but am greatful for the opportunity to have experienced it. But, today I almost did. I saw a video that came very close to breaking my heart and making me happy at the same time. I don’t even know how that is possible, but I suppose it is since it occurred.
I got to thinking about where I should be right now, instead of here. Where I typically would have been, what I would have been doing. I wanted snow, to have the opportunity to play in it, to share some laughs and be silly with my friends. I have a GREAT BIG yard full of pristine snow, because I’m not travel worthy apparently. But that’s really no surprise as I am located WAY out of the way for everyone I care about.
I’m just ready to hang it all up though. My lease is through May and I did it like that for a reason, because of the unknowns in my life, because of my expectations. Now everything is an unknown. I have nothing keeping me anywhere. I suppose that means I can embark on any number of adventures, but I wanted some sort of stability. The adventure I’m looking into now is home ownership. I’d like to stay in the area…but why? I don’t know. I wish someone could give me a good reason to be anywhere in particular.
But…that’s all for now, at least on here.
Snow Day
So it’s been a steady snow for a few hours now and now I have at my house a little over 5 inches. It’s still coming down. There is no way I will be able to get in and out of my drive/street, but at least I don’t have anywhere I have to be. I’ll be posting pictures soon.
But I cannot sit still. Partly because I still have that childlike excitement associated with snow and partly because I am concerned for the safety of my friends. It’s probably a good thing that I cannot stop moving, it’s keeping my mind from wandering too much.
Anyway if you must get out in this blizzard, be careful and let someone know where you are going and that you made it safe!
Much love!!
A letter to Love
I have been given a lot to think about in the past week. I have thought of everything from where I want to be 6 months from now, what type of relationship I want, if chances come again and if forgiveness is something other people possess.
Dear Love,
You scare me. You embody so many emotions other than your namesake. Sometimes…. you’ve lead me on, you mislead me, you make me cry, and you pass through lips haphazardly and bring me hope and joy. For the most part you give me sheer bliss, an appetite for all of life and happiness. I do suppose fools rush in, but you make it so easy. Why can’t you be fiery and hopeful at the same time? Why can’t you balance between two lovers and keep it steady? Why do you jump in and tell me how much I mean, and then shrink away when it seems all too tangible?
So now Love, I am scared out of my mind. I’ve been rash and expected too much from your offerings. I can’t work on you alone. I am hopeful, and forgiving, sad and feeling as though I am doing right and wrong at the same time. You’ve gained and lost me friends in the past, and I’m sure the future will be no different. I do know that when one door gets slammed in your face, another is surely bound to open in response…but a cracked and chained door with a really mean dog guarding it, isn’t what I had in mind. I’ve been lucky, as more than one door has opened. If two people are supposed to be together why make it so hard? But, then again, maybe they weren’t and maybe it wasn’t.
But, I am open to you and yet, I am closed. You have given me many beautiful experiences and I will forever cherish them. I cannot move as quickly as a could have before because of multiple circumstances that you have laid before me. So, everything is going very slowly and may even come to a halt, but I have to find out what is out there for me. I have to forgive myself and work on some things that I didn’t really know I needed to until a few days ago.
I have no idea what I’m doing, or where it leads, but I am walking through an open door without a chain, because I have to know.
Always hopeful- LailaAnn
Fate is something I do believe in, but it’s what you do with that initial nudge that makes the difference in the end.
I suppose I am in a writing mood today I have worked on a short story that I put away some time ago, written in my journal and am now on my 2nd blog. So, to anyone who takes the time out of your busy schedule to read my ramblings, thank you. Even if I don’t know who you are, I appreciate the comments.
I want to stress to everyone just how important time is. It is a precious commodity and no one seems to have enough of it. Money and gifts are not a substitute. Nothing to me says that you care more than showing me that I am worth your time. I have the desire sometimes to be moody, or peaceful, or happy, or content alone, but, for the most part I really enjoy being around people. I am adventurous. I love going and doing,but I also really enjoy spending quite time with people, watching a movie, cooking/eating dinner, just having another live human being around. …this requires time from more than one party. What makes this so insanely hard is I work nights and finding people on similar schedules, and things to do during that time is almost null. (And I really miss the sunlight on a regular basis) So for the most part I warp my sleep schedules on my days off to accommodate the general population’s so that I have time for my friends and loved ones.
But, at some point, there won’t be the option to spend time with the people you care about. Make time, make arrangements to see the people you want to keep in your life. Because if they don’t feel like they are worth it, they move on to friends that do.
We never know what’s really going to happen tomorrow. It is a waste of time to be mad, angry, or sad all the time. These are important emotions and we need them. But, don’t waste your time on these things when there is joy out there and people who want to share theirs with you. Tell and show the people you love how much you love them. I try to tell my friends often and I hope they know I do.
So thank you again to those who take the time to read this, to make me feel loved and important.Every day, every moment is a blessing, I hope (even though it’s a ramble) that you take something from what I’ve said.
I cannot be anyone other than myself…and, frankly, that’s more than just “good enough”
Lot of things have changed. Some changes I’ve accepted. some I haven’t. I’m happy with myself….really, why shouldn’t I be happy with the person I am. I am bright, pretty, funny, adventurous, outgoing, caring, loving, and loyal. I would hope that people see and embrace these qualities that I like about myself, but I cannot make them. I know it’s really odd, but I’m okay right now with not knowing. Although I’d like some answers from different people, I’m more willing to just accept the things in life that come my way.
Face freedom 4
I’ll update later, I just wanted to get these pics up ASAP!! Very exciting progress!
Curiosity Kills the Cat
…in my case it causes the cat to over analyze, and then think that since the questions go unanswered that the cat has completely failed.
Okay, okay, I’m not really talking about a cat here…. I let emotion take over, I wasn’t thinking, I just was feeling. Which is my preference because I think WAY too much. When my rational side decided to show up for the party, I was just feeling the warmth, the breathing, listening to my own music. Then I started to think at triple speed to make up for it’s absence.
Speaking of music, trying to explain to someone how I listen to music is very difficult. I don’t just hear it, I feel it, I let it consume me intentionally. I need music like I need water. When I can’t breathe, I let the rhythm dictate my respiratory rate. When I need to just let go and let myself be me, when I need to remind myself of who I am, music lets me. I learn best with music, if I need to channel an emotion I use music. I don’t have to think, I just feel. I love to dance. I don’t care how it looks or what anyone else thinks about my technique, it makes me smile.
So just in case you care, here’s the playlist that I’ve been rockin’ the last few days.
- Wolf Like Me – TV on the Radio*
- Daylight – Matt & Kim
- Bad Things – Jace Everette
- Starstuck – Lady GaGa, Space Cowboy & Flo Rida
- Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
- Supermassive Black Hole – Muse
- Electric Feel – MGMT
- Again Again – Lady GaGa
- The Seed (2.0) – The Roots & Cody Chestnutt
- Symphonies – Dan Black
*Wolf Like Me: Pretty much for the past day I’ve listened to it probably 50 times if not more. I tried to describe it to someone who I’m not real certain of their musical preference, but I think it’s pretty wide range like mine. After running through a few terms that really didn’t accurately describe it once it came out, I settled upon “sinful” but it feels good. haha. But I just can’t get it out of my head, I feel a compulsion to listen to it over and over and over again.
Hmmm. Just something to think about.
Things are what they are. Priorities are a very personal thing. I cannot say what they should be for anyone else but myself. I change. I have in the past, and I will continue to do so….that is the one thing I cannot change. Everyone changes, and it is, I suppose, ones ability or willingness to grow and change with someone they love that lets love expand without bounds. People in general are terrified of living without construct, without some plan that dictates to them the course of action to expect next. In the more narrow context, if we do not expect that change in others, and we try to make them fit into the predetermined confines we have set for them in our minds they will always, in one way or another disappoint us. The person that they become may likely exceed our very imagination, but by wearing blinders we stunt relationships of all forms because we don’t see that person for who they truly are.
Just some thoughts from today
I am pretty excited about being in Nashville with my family! I am trying to spend some uncluttered time with them. By uncluttered I mean not letting the emotional turmoil that I’m experiencing cloud the limited time I have to enjoy with them.
In terms of love, I know exactly what I want, and that is to be happy. I realize I cannot be happy with anyone unless I am happy with myself. That being said, I’m fixing the things in my life that bring me down. I am following advice that I feel may be the best thing for me, but was immediately questioned by the giver. But, to take time and look within myself I have isolated, unintentionally, myself from the people who I care deeply about. I just feel like I’ve set up a domino line of mistakes and there’s no stopping it.
For those of you who are unaware, I have recently started texting. Although I really enjoy getting to talk to certian people who use that as their primary mode of communication, I find it very frusterating that it seems everything I say gets taken wrong. There is something about the tonal quality of the voice that portrays emotion and intention.
Really that’s all I’ve got going on today. Family, Love and texting.
